Metamorphisis of self.

4-up on 1-7-16 at 3.28 PM #10Over a year? Is it two now? I have no clue… I don’t even know what my last blog was about and I’m pretty sure it doesn’t matter anyway. My laziness has left a lot of things I used to do to become stale. I feel like I’m in a long term recovery from the insanity of living, and that I’ve been here for half of the year. I feel like, I’m in a chrysalis, or maybe just a coffin.

I’m nearly 30 and I’m still growing up.

Whatever it is… I’ve turned this blog, and all the things I used to love doing, into something I’d rather just procrastinate. I do it quite often ever since I’ve been fully sucked down the drain into adulthood. Finding things I once loved to become chores I’d rather not do. Kicking myself for not being one of the few who has turned one of my ridiculous passions into my career, and for what? To end up selling some kind of “success” plan to perfect strangers who probably won’t find it useful? Only 5 easy payments of your soul and dreams! Not always, I know, but it feels better to think of it that way.

I’m nearly 30 now and still haven’t done anything with my life, have I?

Well… I could pursue my passions right? Make money off of them? Or I could do everything I can to make butt-loads of money so I can afford to not bind my passions to my survival, so they stay enjoyable, all the while hating what I do. Whatever way it goes it’s desperate. It seems the more I try to “make my life better” the worse I feel. Of course this is actually true, and well known by many. I mean how can you simultaneously enjoy the life you have currently while wishing it were different? If you aren’t diving head first into now you’re missing it, after all.
I’m nearly 30 and suddenly everyone I thought was my age is younger than me.

A few years ago I wrote a post on New Years resolutions (It’s quite good if I do say so myself) and now I’m going to go ahead and call this another resolutions post, it being so close to New Years still and all, and set my list here for all to see.

1. No internet shopping

Seriously WTF… I mean, I used to look down on folks who didn’t buy locally (I’d do this over imported beer, tho?), anyone who bought the crap from China, people who shopped at walmart etc… I lived at an anarchist infoshop, I co-host a Really Really Free Market twice a year. I have no excuse to be waiting on packages labeled “Amazon Prime”. I’m a fuckin sellout, and with it comes nothing but misery. This is probably the biggest piece in the puzzle of being able to like myself again.

2. Budget intelligently

There are things I really DO need. Dental work for one (Let’s go to mexico!). I’m supposed to fund a wedding (My own, of course with my partner). Car insurance so I can be added as a driver and get that fear conquered. I’m sure there’s other things, written somewhere else….
3. Focus on creating again

My favorite points in my life all have one thing in common, I was making stuff. I doubt It’s a coincidence, but it begs the question, was I happy because I was creating or creating because I was happy?

My goals boil down to one thing: living how I’m happiest. It’s nobody’s fault but my own that I’m not happy. Although some of the things that lead me to this place were certainly no fault of my own, I can choose to like where I am now, or at least choose to do what I like and like what I do.

I’m nearly 30 now and I’m gonna do whatever the fuck I want.

Hopefully I can look back on this blog a year from now and see that i’ve done it. Wouldn’t that be nice? I like that thought… I think I’ll hang on to it for however long I can.

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